The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence

In keeping with the general theme of surviving the worst, this week’s book of the week is The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker.

If you don’t know who Gavin de Becker is, he has made a lifetime career out of studying violence and more importantly, the innate talent each of us has to recognize true danger when its present.

 And in doing so, he recounts some truly horrible life events of women who have survived horrors the majority of us will never encounter. He recounts the events that led up to the life altering encounters, and what messages the survivor’s subconscious picked up on that led to their escaping with their lives.

De Becker makes the point that while he is credited as being an expert in violence, he firmly believes that we are ALL experts in violence, and this book was written to help everyone see the patterns around us that highlight the presence of violence or about to be violence.

He points out that part of the problem is the media, which touts repeatedly that no one could have predicted X…whatever X is. When of course that is ridiculous. X could 100% be predicted and de Becker then spends time breaking down the pre-incident indicators that clearly highlighted X was on its way.

“pre-incident indicators are those detectable factors that occur before the outcome being predicted.” Like rungs on a ladder, each successive step increases the likelihood of violence occurring. However, just because someone has taken the first step, does not automatically mean the climb up the ladder is a foregone conclusion. For example, the first step might be intrusive thoughts about the person who cut you off in traffic. Does that automatically escalate you to freeway road rage shooter? Of course not.

But the point is, if you can think of something, no matter how bad or horrifying, then someone else can too…and they might not have your restraint. And if it can be conceived of, then it can certainly be done. There is nothing new under the sun. Now, how can you use that information to help identify possible danger? Empathy. Recognizing that someone else’s humanity and their ability to empathize can be a path out of madness and danger, and he cites one incident where a woman was in a car that got carjacked, and by listening to her own intuition she managed to talk the carjacker out of doing anything more than scaring her and taking her for a five-hour joy ride.

The news likes to talk about sociopaths/psychopaths, but true psychopaths are exceedingly rare, and generally speaking, those who commit violence, are garden variety. Neighbors…. the ones that no one would have suspected. Because they are just normal people like you and me.

Rather than the incredibly rare diagnoses of true sociopathy, the number one indicator of future violence, specifically serial killers, is childhood abuse. Like…100% of serial killers were abused as children. Basically…parents…if you don’t want to have uncomfortable conversations with news casters about why Johnny snapped…here’s your sign.

He doesn’t go into the specifics of what is considered abuse, so no word on if neglect will result in a serial killer, or if regular beatings are the ticket, but ultimately, does it matter? Maybe try just loving your kids and raising them in loving homes. That was de Beckers’ suggestion, and it’s a good one.

Now, he does have a full chapter on survival signals, which I’m going to cover here because I think they are important. Random violence by strangers is as rare as sociopathy, typically women are going to be victimized by someone they know. So, the survival signals are:

1.       Forced teaming. When someone tries to force a connection with a “we’re in the same boat” sort of mentality. It’s one thing to joke with the person next to you about a delayed flight. But if the other person tries get you to commit resources or time as a result of the teaming, then be wary. They’re trying to establish rapport. Why?

2.       Charm and niceness. Charm is an ability, and it can be learned. Me for example. I can be very charming. I can also be very bitchy. The point being, charm can be turned off or on at will, by anyone who has mastered the skill. Including the predatory criminal, who frequently leaves his victims perplexed and commenting on how “He was so nice.”

3.       Too Many Details. Oversharing works hand in hand with forced teaming and charm, but it also serves as an important red flag. De Becker points out that the reason they overshare is they feel doubted. So, they add details to try and bolster whatever the lie is. There’s also another function. The more details they provide, the more you have to think about trying to parse out what the truth might be rather than recognizing the real truth—it’s all a lie designed to keep the conversation going as part of forced teaming.

4.       Typecasting. This one was interesting, in that if you ever watched any show or read any book about the ultra-creepy pick-up culture, they call this negging. Where the guy will make a statement designed to put you down, so you feel impelled to prove him wrong.

5.       Loan Sharking. This is when they attempt to place you in their debt. This might be as simple as carrying a bag for you. Loaning you $5 for a cup of coffee. The goal is to make you feel as if you owe them something.

6.       The Unsolicited Promise. As de Becker says “promises are used to convince us of an intention, but they are not guarantees.” It’s just something someone says to get their way. This is something thrown out to convince you of their good intention. It’s just two words. I promise. And for some reason we all believe it. A promise from someone known to you is fine, so long as they routinely match action to works. A promise from a stranger should make you ask Why? Why do they feel like they need to promise me, a complete stranger, anything?

7.       Discounting the word No. This is not just the very obvious pressure of a date rape, where the girl says no and is ignored by the rapist. It’s when they offer to carry your bag and you say no, and they insist on carrying it anyway.

So, all of these points are underscored in the story of Kelly, who survived a horrific rape, and whose story is outlined in detail in the book, and de Becker demonstrates which parts of her story matches the above points.

He covers the messengers of intuition, which all amount to instincts, and how to learn the difference between genuine fear, when you are aware of something truly wrong in a situation, and worry, which is when you borrow trouble that doesn’t exist to use it as an excuse.

He covers when strangers are the danger, and when loved ones are, and how you can tell the difference, and how to safely remove yourself from a dangerous situation.

He does include the elements of prediction, but those I won’t go into detail here, because as de Becker points out, people who have a check list tend to, well, check it off. And rather than recognizing that a checklist may not be comprehensive, if something isn’t on the checklist, then people think maybe X doesn’t fit the pattern.

But the best way to determine if someone is actually going to commit violence is the acronym JACA: (perceived) Justification; (perceived) Alternatives; (perceived) Consequences; (perceived) Ability.

Does the person feel like they are justified in committing violence? Does the person perceive that there are available alternatives to violence that will result in the desired outcome? How does the person view the consequences associated with using violence? And does the person believe he can successfully deliver the violence?

All of these are included with case studies from de Beckers company, which provides personal security to the rich and famous; and to people who need it. The rich and famous line was because several of his clients are both, although he discretely does not name them in the book.

And he spends a not inconsiderable portion of the book discussing how most of us are likely to experience violence at the hands of an intimate partner.

This book is pretty comprehensive about the causes of violence and how you can learn the pre-incident indicators that will help keep you safe, but a lot of it is about learning to trust yourself. And a big part of that is turning off the television. Media exists to tell you a story, and there is a reason for the maxim if it bleeds it leads. All of it is predictable. De Becker’s problem is he can’t be everywhere at once to advise someone that danger lies ahead. And so, he wrote this book, so that you can be your own eyes on the ground, defending yourself against danger by becoming aware of when there is a reason to genuinely fear, and when you should feel no fear, because it’s all in your head.

This book was originally reviewed on YouTube on July 16, 2023, but is now available on Rumble and PodBean.